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swanheartI went for a walk today.
People think a walk is easy, actually, for me it's harder than it seems. I think, I'm only 17. When did I get this tired? I used to run around all over. I am listening to my ipod, listening to it fade in and out. I like to have music when I walk, and also, when I start to have a blackout, the sound is the first thing that starts to fade.
(i am proud of my blackouts. they mean i'm doing it the right way. it's sad, i have lost all self-respect for my body.)
It's embarrassing, how many times I have to stop... how I have to wave people past when they are in a car, and I am walking, and they stop for me, to wave me past. I'm trying to say, without saying it... no, it's okay, you go first... I had to catch my breath anyway. They don't understand why I don't just go.
People are walking behind me. I try to keep walking, because, I can hear my breath, and if I stop, being out of breath, people will think "that's a girl who can't walk far, because, she's too fat". Haha, of course, they don't think that, but, that is what I hear in my head. I have to stop anyway.
It hurts. I go pass an alley way and I think, I could pull out my knife, go in the alley, I always carry a pocket knife with me. I think, it would feel so good to see blood running down my skin. But, I tell myself a story in my head about some little girl seeing me in there, so, I stop.
I go to lie on the grass instead. Listening to my music, looking up at a tree over my head silhouette against the sun. Strangely I feel calm. I can feel my heart, pound, pound, pound at the beat of my fast music. I remember something a friend said, about "biofeedback"... learning to control your heart and breathing. I try it... it feels like it works. I can't feel my heart any more. I wonder, maybe it stopped. The trees over my head start to sparkle. I feel like I'm going to die. It feels amazing.
I say to myself, this is such peace. Feeling this way, how can I have peace? I don't know. But, I do in some ways.
People think a walk is easy, actually, for me it's harder than it seems. I think, I'm only 17. When did I get this tired? I used to run around all over. I am listening to my ipod, listening to it fade in and out. I like to have music when I walk, and also, when I start to have a blackout, the sound is the first thing that starts to fade.
(i am proud of my blackouts. they mean i'm doing it the right way. it's sad, i have lost all self-respect for my body.)
It's embarrassing, how many times I have to stop... how I have to wave people past when they are in a car, and I am walking, and they stop for me, to wave me past. I'm trying to say, without saying it... no, it's okay, you go first... I had to catch my breath anyway. They don't understand why I don't just go.
People are walking behind me. I try to keep walking, because, I can hear my breath, and if I stop, being out of breath, people will think "that's a girl who can't walk far, because, she's too fat". Haha, of course, they don't think that, but, that is what I hear in my head. I have to stop anyway.
It hurts. I go pass an alley way and I think, I could pull out my knife, go in the alley, I always carry a pocket knife with me. I think, it would feel so good to see blood running down my skin. But, I tell myself a story in my head about some little girl seeing me in there, so, I stop.
I go to lie on the grass instead. Listening to my music, looking up at a tree over my head silhouette against the sun. Strangely I feel calm. I can feel my heart, pound, pound, pound at the beat of my fast music. I remember something a friend said, about "biofeedback"... learning to control your heart and breathing. I try it... it feels like it works. I can't feel my heart any more. I wonder, maybe it stopped. The trees over my head start to sparkle. I feel like I'm going to die. It feels amazing.
I say to myself, this is such peace. Feeling this way, how can I have peace? I don't know. But, I do in some ways.
