cygnus olor

I went for a walk today.

People think a walk is easy, actually, for me it's harder than it seems. I think, I'm only 17. When did I get this tired? I used to run around all over. I am listening to my ipod, listening to it fade in and out. I like to have music when I walk, and also, when I start to have a blackout, the sound is the first thing that starts to fade.

(i am proud of my blackouts. they mean i'm doing it the right way. it's sad, i have lost all self-respect for my body.)

It's embarrassing, how many times I have to stop... how I have to wave people past when they are in a car, and I am walking, and they stop for me, to wave me past. I'm trying to say, without saying it... no, it's okay, you go first... I had to catch my breath anyway. They don't understand why I don't just go.

People are walking behind me. I try to keep walking, because, I can hear my breath, and if I stop, being out of breath, people will think "that's a girl who can't walk far, because, she's too fat". Haha, of course, they don't think that, but, that is what I hear in my head. I have to stop anyway.

( Some self-injury triggers behind here )

I go to lie on the grass instead. Listening to my music, looking up at a tree over my head silhouette against the sun. Strangely I feel calm. I can feel my heart, pound, pound, pound at the beat of my fast music. I remember something a friend said, about "biofeedback"... learning to control your heart and breathing. I try it... it feels like it works. I can't feel my heart any more. I wonder, maybe it stopped. The trees over my head start to sparkle. I feel like I'm going to die. It feels amazing.

I say to myself, this is such peace. Feeling this way, how can I have peace? I don't know. But, I do in some ways.

I'm trying to make this journal all public. That's very scary actually (my other journal is locked to only friends). I am doing it because, I want to help people and, share the thoughts. But, it means talking about my personal feelings in a public place. Even if the people who know who I am, are my friends anyway, and, the people who don't know, don't know me anyway... it's still scary in some way.

Starts to make me consider this again but... I decided. So, I'm going to do it.


I bought the book, "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher. For people who don't have money... I love USED BOOKS! This cost me $2 and shipping o.o It's a good book, to the part I read anyway. So, I'm going to write my thoughts on it in some entries here.

At the beginning of the book, the author says, "I'm not going to tell you that ED is about control, you heard that so many times, it doesn't mean anything". I feel a lot of sympathy with that... I sometimes think about control. But, it's not the big thing for me.

But, then she says some interesting things about it later that made me think about it again.

( Trigger warning: behind here talks about some sexual ideas )