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swanheartI'm trying to make this journal all public. That's very scary actually (my other journal is locked to only friends). I am doing it because, I want to help people and, share the thoughts. But, it means talking about my personal feelings in a public place. Even if the people who know who I am, are my friends anyway, and, the people who don't know, don't know me anyway... it's still scary in some way.
Starts to make me consider this again but... I decided. So, I'm going to do it.
I bought the book, "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher. For people who don't have money... I love USED BOOKS! This cost me $2 and shipping o.o It's a good book, to the part I read anyway. So, I'm going to write my thoughts on it in some entries here.
At the beginning of the book, the author says, "I'm not going to tell you that ED is about control, you heard that so many times, it doesn't mean anything". I feel a lot of sympathy with that... I sometimes think about control. But, it's not the big thing for me.
But, then she says some interesting things about it later that made me think about it again.
It says in the book that, many people with ED have "a fear that other people will see them, and judge them, as sexual". Without thinking about it before, I realise this is true about me. And, it also connects to other things about me that seem to be related also.
When I think about this, I realise, there is a control issue actually... and, it is similar to how the author had it.
I worry that people see me as "a person who doesn't control myself in the right ways". It's not like, I do things like binge drinking, being a drug addict, sleeping with a lot of people,... etc. I don't do that. But, I realise that most people in society "hides their true self" better than I do. Most people have a strong feeling that, "there are some things you can't talk about", and, they hold it back.
I can't find a way to hold back the important things about me that doesn't make me feel like my real self is pushed into a tiny box, labelled "not fit for the public". Replaced with a fake self, a made up person that I would have to pretend to be, if I want people to like me, not stare, etc. I don't have interest in being that made up person.
And, I can't control it anyway. I feel like, if I hide my real self, there is a fire burning in me that I can't let out. It feels like having a guilty secret... like the time when you do something your parents will hate, and, you try to hide it from them, but you feel like they can see through you and everything you say feels so weak, and, it burns. I try to do it, but, in the end I tell my friends most things. I can't be a secret hider. I can't pretend things are okay when they're not. I can't pretend I am a normal person, when I'm not.
For that reason, I talk about things. My friends know about my ED stuffs. I talk about my spiritual beliefs, and, I talk about self-injury, and, sometimes I talk about sexual feelings. But... when I do these things, I have a feeling of pain also. I have a feeling like, "it's bad to do that". "People will think you are seeking for attention". I read about people who put a self-injury FAQ on the internet, say things like, "most people who do this don't let anyone see it, so, of course it's not about getting attention". That makes me think, because I mentioned it to my friends... I am about getting attention. "Good" people or "real" people with self-injury problems hide it, the ones that don't, are bad or fake. I worry that people will judge me, as "a person who wants to look special". Even writing this, I worry about it. But, I can't hide it.
I have the same feeling about sexual things. I feel that "normal" people know how to be polite... or, it's not that, but, they have a strong defence inside their selves that would NEVER let them talk about sexual feelings, because, of course, "normal people don't do that". I feel that, normal people don't mention it, and, society thinks that people who mention it are REALLY obsessed with it, and, that is bad. I feel that it's impossible for people to see me as gentle, innocent, delicate, sweet, or nice, because when something is sexually interesting to me, I say "oh that's interesting", and, don't act shy, spending a month to let the person know anything about it really, dancing around it... I feel it is a waste of time to pretend I don't like it, when I do. The same with a relationship also, if I like the person, I want to say it... even if it's "quick". But, I worry that I will be judged for this.
I have a complication in my heart. I want people to see me as gentle and innocent. But, I want to be honest and not hide my feelings. I want to show my real self, but... I want that to be normal. Not the actions of someone who is very extreme. I think, because too many people in society hides their real self, you are punished for being your real self... as soon as you do that, you are standing out from the crowd. You make yourself into a target. If everyone was honest, then, it wouldn't be a fear... but, it is a fear made by this society, where no one is honest.
I don't know if that is related to my ED... but... it could be. Maybe, one reason to want to be light and ethereal is, people think you are above things like that. So, I can be more honest, and, no one will judge me. I don't know really, it's just a thought....
Starts to make me consider this again but... I decided. So, I'm going to do it.
I bought the book, "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher. For people who don't have money... I love USED BOOKS! This cost me $2 and shipping o.o It's a good book, to the part I read anyway. So, I'm going to write my thoughts on it in some entries here.
At the beginning of the book, the author says, "I'm not going to tell you that ED is about control, you heard that so many times, it doesn't mean anything". I feel a lot of sympathy with that... I sometimes think about control. But, it's not the big thing for me.
But, then she says some interesting things about it later that made me think about it again.
It says in the book that, many people with ED have "a fear that other people will see them, and judge them, as sexual". Without thinking about it before, I realise this is true about me. And, it also connects to other things about me that seem to be related also.
When I think about this, I realise, there is a control issue actually... and, it is similar to how the author had it.
I worry that people see me as "a person who doesn't control myself in the right ways". It's not like, I do things like binge drinking, being a drug addict, sleeping with a lot of people,... etc. I don't do that. But, I realise that most people in society "hides their true self" better than I do. Most people have a strong feeling that, "there are some things you can't talk about", and, they hold it back.
I can't find a way to hold back the important things about me that doesn't make me feel like my real self is pushed into a tiny box, labelled "not fit for the public". Replaced with a fake self, a made up person that I would have to pretend to be, if I want people to like me, not stare, etc. I don't have interest in being that made up person.
And, I can't control it anyway. I feel like, if I hide my real self, there is a fire burning in me that I can't let out. It feels like having a guilty secret... like the time when you do something your parents will hate, and, you try to hide it from them, but you feel like they can see through you and everything you say feels so weak, and, it burns. I try to do it, but, in the end I tell my friends most things. I can't be a secret hider. I can't pretend things are okay when they're not. I can't pretend I am a normal person, when I'm not.
For that reason, I talk about things. My friends know about my ED stuffs. I talk about my spiritual beliefs, and, I talk about self-injury, and, sometimes I talk about sexual feelings. But... when I do these things, I have a feeling of pain also. I have a feeling like, "it's bad to do that". "People will think you are seeking for attention". I read about people who put a self-injury FAQ on the internet, say things like, "most people who do this don't let anyone see it, so, of course it's not about getting attention". That makes me think, because I mentioned it to my friends... I am about getting attention. "Good" people or "real" people with self-injury problems hide it, the ones that don't, are bad or fake. I worry that people will judge me, as "a person who wants to look special". Even writing this, I worry about it. But, I can't hide it.
I have the same feeling about sexual things. I feel that "normal" people know how to be polite... or, it's not that, but, they have a strong defence inside their selves that would NEVER let them talk about sexual feelings, because, of course, "normal people don't do that". I feel that, normal people don't mention it, and, society thinks that people who mention it are REALLY obsessed with it, and, that is bad. I feel that it's impossible for people to see me as gentle, innocent, delicate, sweet, or nice, because when something is sexually interesting to me, I say "oh that's interesting", and, don't act shy, spending a month to let the person know anything about it really, dancing around it... I feel it is a waste of time to pretend I don't like it, when I do. The same with a relationship also, if I like the person, I want to say it... even if it's "quick". But, I worry that I will be judged for this.
I have a complication in my heart. I want people to see me as gentle and innocent. But, I want to be honest and not hide my feelings. I want to show my real self, but... I want that to be normal. Not the actions of someone who is very extreme. I think, because too many people in society hides their real self, you are punished for being your real self... as soon as you do that, you are standing out from the crowd. You make yourself into a target. If everyone was honest, then, it wouldn't be a fear... but, it is a fear made by this society, where no one is honest.
I don't know if that is related to my ED... but... it could be. Maybe, one reason to want to be light and ethereal is, people think you are above things like that. So, I can be more honest, and, no one will judge me. I don't know really, it's just a thought....
