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When I see things about ED recovery, often, I think a lot of it is looking at things in a wrong way, that tries to deny something that the person with ED needs. It's different for everyone, but, most people with ED thinks, it's not about weights, fat, thin, or pretty, but, it is about being pure, light and perfect. Often, recovery things are trying to talk you out of the belief to be perfect, saying... nobody can be perfect. Accept your self as it is.
Because I am a very spiritual person (I am Hermetic), this is against my traditions, and, it is against the hearts and minds of many people with ED who really feel from an early age... that they want to be pure. I think, this is a responding to something deep in the soul and should not be ignored! Pretending that "you don't really want to be pure" is a way to fail in recovery... trying to ignore what your heart and mind is really saying. And, it can feel bad when people say to you, "you need to be normal" when you feel you are anything BUT normal. When they say, "you need to take away this thing that helps you cope", when you have no other thing to look at to cope.
You don't have to give up being pure if you want to recover. In fact... if you recover... you can probably have more energy to put into a life that will really make you pure. ED feels like it makes you pure, but, there is a better way to do it I think. It's like, alcohol feels like it makes you happy, but, it doesn't really.
And, you don't have to take away your only thing for coping... instead of just quitting and going into the naked world all alone... you can move to a different way of coping, slow enough that you never feel you lose anything. It's like rolling from one pillow to the other, instead of, rolling off a bed and falling on the floor. You can have supports under you, all the way.
So, these are my ideas, for a different way of looking at recovery.
( Seeking wings )
Smoothie recipes!
Jun. 25th, 2011 08:17 pmJust collecting it here for my own sake, but others might find it useful... I mentioned some smoothie recipes in the previous entry. So, here are the ones I found.
"Life-saving electrolyte smoothie" (from the PrettyThin forums, I'm swanheart on there though I don't post on much)
1 banana
2 - 3 dates (dried or medjool)
2 tsp. cocoa powder
1 cup crushed ice
1/2 cup of calcium-enriched milk/milk alternative
I'm drinking this now, this one is really nice. I make it with almond milk because I like it soooo much more than actual milk. And I have Godiva's cocoa powder (uwaaaah) so I used that O.O
This is supposed to be a life saving recipe for restoring some vital things in the body after purging (although if you binge on weird things, I don't think it's a good idea to have in the house any Godiva's chocolate powder, that stuff is so expensive!), but, I don't purge so for me, it's just good for recovering from being deydrated after a lot of sickness and stuffs. And, just tastes good ^^
Oh, with this one, do add a bit more ice than you think you would need, or, it's too thick. And ice is no-calories so, add as much as you want really as long as it doesn't spoil the flavour ^^
Tropical smoothie
1 cup frozen pineapple chunks
3 oz key lime yogurt (I doooon't like this stuff so, I would use a fat free lime sorbet instead)
1/4 cup lite coconut milk
1/2 cup ice cubes
1/4 cup water
This one came from the back of my pineapple chunks packet ^^ I didn't try it yet, but, coconut milk and pineapple... so summery... this can't possibly not be good, right? Unfortunately, I could not find coconut milk at the store today, so, I can't try it soon ;w;
"Life-saving electrolyte smoothie" (from the PrettyThin forums, I'm swanheart on there though I don't post on much)
1 banana
2 - 3 dates (dried or medjool)
2 tsp. cocoa powder
1 cup crushed ice
1/2 cup of calcium-enriched milk/milk alternative
I'm drinking this now, this one is really nice. I make it with almond milk because I like it soooo much more than actual milk. And I have Godiva's cocoa powder (uwaaaah) so I used that O.O
This is supposed to be a life saving recipe for restoring some vital things in the body after purging (although if you binge on weird things, I don't think it's a good idea to have in the house any Godiva's chocolate powder, that stuff is so expensive!), but, I don't purge so for me, it's just good for recovering from being deydrated after a lot of sickness and stuffs. And, just tastes good ^^
Oh, with this one, do add a bit more ice than you think you would need, or, it's too thick. And ice is no-calories so, add as much as you want really as long as it doesn't spoil the flavour ^^
Tropical smoothie
1 cup frozen pineapple chunks
3 oz key lime yogurt (I doooon't like this stuff so, I would use a fat free lime sorbet instead)
1/4 cup lite coconut milk
1/2 cup ice cubes
1/4 cup water
This one came from the back of my pineapple chunks packet ^^ I didn't try it yet, but, coconut milk and pineapple... so summery... this can't possibly not be good, right? Unfortunately, I could not find coconut milk at the store today, so, I can't try it soon ;w;
Of course, people like me are in love with beauty. It's just not the kind you think.
It makes me mad when people say, eating disorders is all about being like popular thin celebrities. I don't care about celebrities. The thing I would not want to be is famous. Liked... loved... but, not famous. If you are famous, your life is always on display. Nothing you do doesn't get raked over and broken to pieces by the hungry media. Nothing you do will ever be safe, to hide for your own personal self. It makes me shiver. I can't want that.
I was making a pineapple smoothie... very fat-free, just, put frozen pineapple chunks in a blender with some orange juice. It's very healthy. I like to make all kinds of smoothies, it's a favourite and safe food to me. On the back of the bag of pineapple chunks, there was a recipe for a tropical-type smoothie you can make with pineapples, ice, and "light" type coconut milk. Some other things as well, though, it says key lime yogurt and I hate American style yogurt, it tastes like chemicals. I don't know who decided that was "yogurt" but, I think most American never have tasted actual yogurt in their life. But I have fat-free lime sorbet, that probably can work instead.
Eating things like that... pieces of fruit, coconut milk... it makes me feel light, pure, fairy-like. Like some hummingbird, sipping on a nectar. That's my image of beauty. Not being a superstar, supermodel, anything like that. Who wants the pressures of the fashion world? I want to be a bird, riding the easy air between flowers and inspiring in people's minds images of fairies, wisps, dandelion seed. Who wants to live in a grounded human way?
Of course, it's not possible, in this life, to be a dandelion seed, not just by being thin. If it's that way, then, a girl like me, who is naturally 90 pounds before starting this, would never be anorexic. People think, why would a 90 pound girl ever become anorexic? She's lucky. 90 pounds is some people's goal weight. But, you always think, just a little more... then I can be pure. Then, I can be free. It's a lie of course. But it feels that way.
I saw this today... it's a kind of "fitspiration" in a way. Just to start with, I like the name of the blog, and the title of the entry. I also think it's interesting... this man is a weight that surely makes anyone with ED going into shock. It makes many people WITHOUT ED going into shock. But, look at his picture. He looks healthy. Might not be skinny, but, you can't call such a person "fat", either. He burns something like, 3600 calories a day. On top of what normal people burn. His body really is a furnace. Pulling in, and pushing out all that power. Another way to be made of pure energy... I wish I could be that. I'm not sure I have it in myself. But, maybe when I am stronger, I can be an energetic girl just that way.
It makes me mad when people say, eating disorders is all about being like popular thin celebrities. I don't care about celebrities. The thing I would not want to be is famous. Liked... loved... but, not famous. If you are famous, your life is always on display. Nothing you do doesn't get raked over and broken to pieces by the hungry media. Nothing you do will ever be safe, to hide for your own personal self. It makes me shiver. I can't want that.
I was making a pineapple smoothie... very fat-free, just, put frozen pineapple chunks in a blender with some orange juice. It's very healthy. I like to make all kinds of smoothies, it's a favourite and safe food to me. On the back of the bag of pineapple chunks, there was a recipe for a tropical-type smoothie you can make with pineapples, ice, and "light" type coconut milk. Some other things as well, though, it says key lime yogurt and I hate American style yogurt, it tastes like chemicals. I don't know who decided that was "yogurt" but, I think most American never have tasted actual yogurt in their life. But I have fat-free lime sorbet, that probably can work instead.
Eating things like that... pieces of fruit, coconut milk... it makes me feel light, pure, fairy-like. Like some hummingbird, sipping on a nectar. That's my image of beauty. Not being a superstar, supermodel, anything like that. Who wants the pressures of the fashion world? I want to be a bird, riding the easy air between flowers and inspiring in people's minds images of fairies, wisps, dandelion seed. Who wants to live in a grounded human way?
Of course, it's not possible, in this life, to be a dandelion seed, not just by being thin. If it's that way, then, a girl like me, who is naturally 90 pounds before starting this, would never be anorexic. People think, why would a 90 pound girl ever become anorexic? She's lucky. 90 pounds is some people's goal weight. But, you always think, just a little more... then I can be pure. Then, I can be free. It's a lie of course. But it feels that way.
I saw this today... it's a kind of "fitspiration" in a way. Just to start with, I like the name of the blog, and the title of the entry. I also think it's interesting... this man is a weight that surely makes anyone with ED going into shock. It makes many people WITHOUT ED going into shock. But, look at his picture. He looks healthy. Might not be skinny, but, you can't call such a person "fat", either. He burns something like, 3600 calories a day. On top of what normal people burn. His body really is a furnace. Pulling in, and pushing out all that power. Another way to be made of pure energy... I wish I could be that. I'm not sure I have it in myself. But, maybe when I am stronger, I can be an energetic girl just that way.
the paradox
Jun. 20th, 2011 11:28 amIt's a truth... that, the way you look means nothing, but, it also means everything.
It doesn't change what kind of a person you are, what you can do, what you can show to the world... whether you're black, white or some colour between, whether you're thin or fat, tall or short, beautiful by some standard or not. It doesn't change that your deep and secret heart might be beautiful or ugly, and that's what matters. It doesn't change your soul.
But, it changes everything, because, people care. How seriously you can be taken, even how much you can be loved, is weighted by your looks. People say it's not true but they lie. A few people, see past it completely of course. But, it is the opinion of most people and so, it is the weight of the world pressing down on you.
I love to think of a world, where everyone can have no shape, and just be the soul. Then we will finally be free of this stupid judgment. But, I wonder, in that time... will we still long for beautiful bodies to wear? How deep does the love of beauty really run inside us?
If we were all free from our body, would we still want a way to show people that we are pretty? Or, could it stop mattering?
Are we even trapped here in this physical form because our souls love this body beauty too much, and so, they trap us in the end? Is the meaning of physical life that we loved the body too much, so, we fell as angels?
It doesn't change what kind of a person you are, what you can do, what you can show to the world... whether you're black, white or some colour between, whether you're thin or fat, tall or short, beautiful by some standard or not. It doesn't change that your deep and secret heart might be beautiful or ugly, and that's what matters. It doesn't change your soul.
But, it changes everything, because, people care. How seriously you can be taken, even how much you can be loved, is weighted by your looks. People say it's not true but they lie. A few people, see past it completely of course. But, it is the opinion of most people and so, it is the weight of the world pressing down on you.
I love to think of a world, where everyone can have no shape, and just be the soul. Then we will finally be free of this stupid judgment. But, I wonder, in that time... will we still long for beautiful bodies to wear? How deep does the love of beauty really run inside us?
If we were all free from our body, would we still want a way to show people that we are pretty? Or, could it stop mattering?
Are we even trapped here in this physical form because our souls love this body beauty too much, and so, they trap us in the end? Is the meaning of physical life that we loved the body too much, so, we fell as angels?
I went for a walk today.
People think a walk is easy, actually, for me it's harder than it seems. I think, I'm only 17. When did I get this tired? I used to run around all over. I am listening to my ipod, listening to it fade in and out. I like to have music when I walk, and also, when I start to have a blackout, the sound is the first thing that starts to fade.
(i am proud of my blackouts. they mean i'm doing it the right way. it's sad, i have lost all self-respect for my body.)
It's embarrassing, how many times I have to stop... how I have to wave people past when they are in a car, and I am walking, and they stop for me, to wave me past. I'm trying to say, without saying it... no, it's okay, you go first... I had to catch my breath anyway. They don't understand why I don't just go.
People are walking behind me. I try to keep walking, because, I can hear my breath, and if I stop, being out of breath, people will think "that's a girl who can't walk far, because, she's too fat". Haha, of course, they don't think that, but, that is what I hear in my head. I have to stop anyway.
( Some self-injury triggers behind here )
I go to lie on the grass instead. Listening to my music, looking up at a tree over my head silhouette against the sun. Strangely I feel calm. I can feel my heart, pound, pound, pound at the beat of my fast music. I remember something a friend said, about "biofeedback"... learning to control your heart and breathing. I try it... it feels like it works. I can't feel my heart any more. I wonder, maybe it stopped. The trees over my head start to sparkle. I feel like I'm going to die. It feels amazing.
I say to myself, this is such peace. Feeling this way, how can I have peace? I don't know. But, I do in some ways.
People think a walk is easy, actually, for me it's harder than it seems. I think, I'm only 17. When did I get this tired? I used to run around all over. I am listening to my ipod, listening to it fade in and out. I like to have music when I walk, and also, when I start to have a blackout, the sound is the first thing that starts to fade.
(i am proud of my blackouts. they mean i'm doing it the right way. it's sad, i have lost all self-respect for my body.)
It's embarrassing, how many times I have to stop... how I have to wave people past when they are in a car, and I am walking, and they stop for me, to wave me past. I'm trying to say, without saying it... no, it's okay, you go first... I had to catch my breath anyway. They don't understand why I don't just go.
People are walking behind me. I try to keep walking, because, I can hear my breath, and if I stop, being out of breath, people will think "that's a girl who can't walk far, because, she's too fat". Haha, of course, they don't think that, but, that is what I hear in my head. I have to stop anyway.
( Some self-injury triggers behind here )
I go to lie on the grass instead. Listening to my music, looking up at a tree over my head silhouette against the sun. Strangely I feel calm. I can feel my heart, pound, pound, pound at the beat of my fast music. I remember something a friend said, about "biofeedback"... learning to control your heart and breathing. I try it... it feels like it works. I can't feel my heart any more. I wonder, maybe it stopped. The trees over my head start to sparkle. I feel like I'm going to die. It feels amazing.
I say to myself, this is such peace. Feeling this way, how can I have peace? I don't know. But, I do in some ways.
One moment in ED life....
Jun. 15th, 2011 02:49 pmGoing to get lunch, and, being so frozen up about what you are going to eat, that you eat an Oreo, even though you don't like them that flavour, and it's not healthy, and it won't fill you up, just because you are supposed to eat and you don't know what.
People thinks anorexia is just about starving, but, it gets more complicated than that. It's a whole relationship with food. Except, some people's relationship with food is love affair or a happy friendship. My heart is a battleground. Food has spikes on it. And, sometimes if I look the right way, or I think the right thing, or it's the right day, or the right mood, it's okay, so, it is about slipping into those places, and finding the way to make it work.
Or, eating an Oreo because you can't find anything else. And you like it, because you're so hungry anything tastes good. Even though, you don't like them that flavour.
People thinks anorexia is just about starving, but, it gets more complicated than that. It's a whole relationship with food. Except, some people's relationship with food is love affair or a happy friendship. My heart is a battleground. Food has spikes on it. And, sometimes if I look the right way, or I think the right thing, or it's the right day, or the right mood, it's okay, so, it is about slipping into those places, and finding the way to make it work.
Or, eating an Oreo because you can't find anything else. And you like it, because you're so hungry anything tastes good. Even though, you don't like them that flavour.
I'm trying to make this journal all public. That's very scary actually (my other journal is locked to only friends). I am doing it because, I want to help people and, share the thoughts. But, it means talking about my personal feelings in a public place. Even if the people who know who I am, are my friends anyway, and, the people who don't know, don't know me anyway... it's still scary in some way.
Starts to make me consider this again but... I decided. So, I'm going to do it.
I bought the book, "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher. For people who don't have money... I love USED BOOKS! This cost me $2 and shipping o.o It's a good book, to the part I read anyway. So, I'm going to write my thoughts on it in some entries here.
At the beginning of the book, the author says, "I'm not going to tell you that ED is about control, you heard that so many times, it doesn't mean anything". I feel a lot of sympathy with that... I sometimes think about control. But, it's not the big thing for me.
But, then she says some interesting things about it later that made me think about it again.
( Trigger warning: behind here talks about some sexual ideas )
Starts to make me consider this again but... I decided. So, I'm going to do it.
I bought the book, "Wasted" by Marya Hornbacher. For people who don't have money... I love USED BOOKS! This cost me $2 and shipping o.o It's a good book, to the part I read anyway. So, I'm going to write my thoughts on it in some entries here.
At the beginning of the book, the author says, "I'm not going to tell you that ED is about control, you heard that so many times, it doesn't mean anything". I feel a lot of sympathy with that... I sometimes think about control. But, it's not the big thing for me.
But, then she says some interesting things about it later that made me think about it again.
( Trigger warning: behind here talks about some sexual ideas )
