Seeking wings, my thoughts about recovery
Jun. 8th, 2011 10:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
swanheartWhen I see things about ED recovery, often, I think a lot of it is looking at things in a wrong way, that tries to deny something that the person with ED needs. It's different for everyone, but, most people with ED thinks, it's not about weights, fat, thin, or pretty, but, it is about being pure, light and perfect. Often, recovery things are trying to talk you out of the belief to be perfect, saying... nobody can be perfect. Accept your self as it is.
Because I am a very spiritual person (I am Hermetic), this is against my traditions, and, it is against the hearts and minds of many people with ED who really feel from an early age... that they want to be pure. I think, this is a responding to something deep in the soul and should not be ignored! Pretending that "you don't really want to be pure" is a way to fail in recovery... trying to ignore what your heart and mind is really saying. And, it can feel bad when people say to you, "you need to be normal" when you feel you are anything BUT normal. When they say, "you need to take away this thing that helps you cope", when you have no other thing to look at to cope.
You don't have to give up being pure if you want to recover. In fact... if you recover... you can probably have more energy to put into a life that will really make you pure. ED feels like it makes you pure, but, there is a better way to do it I think. It's like, alcohol feels like it makes you happy, but, it doesn't really.
And, you don't have to take away your only thing for coping... instead of just quitting and going into the naked world all alone... you can move to a different way of coping, slow enough that you never feel you lose anything. It's like rolling from one pillow to the other, instead of, rolling off a bed and falling on the floor. You can have supports under you, all the way.
So, these are my ideas, for a different way of looking at recovery.
I believe that in some way, an eating disorder is a desire for spiritual perfection. It seems very obvious when you look at some things people with ED write... we are always talking about... being pure, being cleansed, being perfect. Stripping the body of everything that is ugly, heavy, clumsy... in other words... getting rid of "the weight of the world". At the heart of it, ED comes from the fear and hate of physical flesh, and, the physical world.
Often, these dreams appear in other ways in healthy people. Think about the dream of flying like a bird, that is in so many cultures and myths since recorded history. The love for flying is based in the universal desire to leave the ground, to leave weight, to break free of all heavy, weighting restrictions... to be so light, floating in the sky. Doesn't everyone look at birds, and feel jealous or in pain, or, they feel awe and happy, and want to write a poem, or a story....
That is the first thing to understand here, and, I don't know if anyone ever said it in such a direct way before: these two things that have a strong grip on people's hearts and minds, meaning, eating disorders and the dream of flight, are based in a common pattern. In other words, the reason eating disorders exist... truly... I believe, it is the same reason that people dream of flying. They are linked. Both are based in a desire to ascend and be pure... light... dancing in the air... perfectly happy.
If you want some examples... here are some quotes (warning, this might be extra triggery)... all from The Hanged Man by Francesca Lia Block:
See all the talking about fairies, floating, being something new that is not bound by desire or time...
Or, another quote, I don't know where this is from, sorry:
Is it obvious to you now, that these two things are linked? I put some quotes, but, if you are brave of mind and heart, go to any anorexia site, you will see this same idea everywhere you look. One of the biggest sites for this sort of thing is called "Blue Dragonfly"... the image of a dragonfly is used many times in different site names, and, charms or bracelets, as an ED symbol. If you look at any site explaining it, you will see that they use the symbol because the dragonfly is so light, thin... and free to fly, away from the constraining earth.
Of course, we understand symbolism. People with ED live in the mythic realm. ED is also a myth. I mean, that it is a way of looking at the world using magical symbolism, believing, if we do this particular ritual, it will gain something else for us. If we starve our body, then, we get spiritually pure, we get peace. It's very similar to magical principles like you see in any pagan spiritual belief... any of you who are pagan, do magic, think about any ritual. Light a candle, because it is a symbol of the fire of life, to raise energy for life. Use this herb, that is a symbol of this thing, to bring the energy of this thing into your work... it's obvious ritual work. Some people even do bring out this idea a little, and, pray to a goddess "Ana" or "Mia".
So, knowing that, I want to say that... what you want is right. You want to fly... you want to be pure. You want to be a spiritual being. That is the real desire, and, it's not bad. It is a good thing, in fact, it means you are spiritually connected, because you want this. Don't let anyone tell you you can't be pure! It is a beautiful dream.
But, ED is a twisted up version of spirituality. Twisted up, because, it doesn't really do what it tells you it will do.
You might think... why it doesn't work? ED after all, is following the pattern of ritual, so, if a ritual works then ED must work. I believe in magic, so, I believe ritual works. But, of course, ritual doesn't always work, by just following the steps. It needs particular things to be put in place.
Here is another place to look at where ED and spirituality meet... think about monks. A monk lives a lifestyle called, "ascetic". Ascetic lifestyle is about, restricting yourself in many ways, so that you become more spiritual. People living in an ascetic way restrict things like, the way they dress, the way they speak or how much they speak, what they will do at what time of day, and, eating.
People who live ascetic lifestyle say that it helps them be more spiritual. I can give personal evidence for this actually. Before I had anorexia, as part of my normal spiritual life from a younger age I sometimes did fasts. This was a spiritual thing though, not a problem. And, it did raise my spiritual energy. So, what is the difference?
The difference is two things. Balance, and, the direction of attitude.
About balance: Ascetic people use fasts and restrictions as a symbol. Doing it in some moderation will give an effect. It's just enough to remind you of the spiritual path you are on. ED is out of balance. The comparison in magic would be, someone who does a ritual using "a little bit of this herb, a little bit of that herb, and, light it...", does it every night in a discipline way, but, lets that little ritual every night remind them... or, someone who thinks that the best way to do the ritual is to pour ten pounds of herb onto your altar, and set it all on fire, and burn the altar down! Anyone who does magic knows, you don't NEED to do that to make the magic work. The symbol is enough.
About direction of attitude: This is the thing that lies under it all. People with ED use ten pounds of herb because they think that, in the end, the magic works in a direct physical way. For example, if you want to do something in the physical world, more is better usually, right? If you want to cut an object, the sharper your knife, and, the more pressure you can put, the better. If you want to stock food for a hard time, the more you have, the more safe you are. If you want to have success at your job, put in lots of effort.
So, of course, they think, "this is working on a physical rule". The purity is DIRECTLY connected to how much you eat, how thin you are. Or, another way of looking, how thin you are IS how pure you are. The number on your scale IS a number about your purity. Talk about weighting your heart against a feather! In this belief, you can have a real number that shows how pure you are! Most religion doesn't have any comparison to this... forget about whether you are "a sinner" or "saved", now you can have a number that tells you, on an exact measurement, exactly how "saved" or "perfect" you are! How exciting.
The problem is, that's not how spiritual things work. You can't do a thing in the physical world and expect it to fix spiritual things directly. Spiritual purity is not a law of physics... you can't "get more spiritual points" by working some physical mechanical thing, like a game. There is not a secret structure in the physical world that makes you more spiritual the more you use it. It doesn't work like that.
There isn't a way that is ONLY physical, to make yourself SPIRITUALLY pure. Spiritual is SPIRITUAL. Yes, there is a cause and effect between the spiritual and physical worlds, but... it is not so direct. It's not like a computer... push a button, get a return.
So, the person with ED puts 100% of their energy for "making them pure" into a physical effort, thinking, when the physical is fixed, the spiritual will be fixed. But, that can't ever work. A really good example of how it can't work... is alchemy.
When everyone thinks of alchemy, they think, "turning lead into gold". So, they think of a way to turn lead into gold based only on laws of physics. Of course, this doesn't work, because, the laws of physics don't have that power. This is why people think alchemists were foolish... but, alchemy is not really about that. Alchemy is about changing things using some physical method, but, the core of it is spiritual. Every step of the way, your physical work must be a symbol of the spiritual work you are doing, and, it CANNOT be forced. You don't sit and try to bend the laws of physics by pure force to make the lead into gold.
In Hermetic tradition of alchemy, we have a name for those people... they are called, "puffers". A "puffer" is someone who sits by the fire all day puffing their bellows, trying to get the fire higher, because they think that more physical effort will make the gold happen faster. They forget the spiritual part completely. They just want to make gold, and get rich. But, it fails. You need to make yourself pure in a spiritual, or, you can't do any work like this, because, the laws of physics don't work like that. Do you think a person who is not pure in the spiritual can make gold with their own hands? No! It is a reflecting of the spiritual state. A few people in the long history of the world have done this, such as Nicolas Flamel (you can look him up on the internet). But, it's rare, because people believe they can do things only with their hands, ignoring the spiritual part.
The true alchemists think, "puffers" are a problem. They soil the reputation of alchemy, not just because they are trying to get greed, but, because their ways don't work... which creates and destroys a false hope in people, and, leaves them spiritually broken. (In the end, "puffers" really did destroy the reputation of alchemy, which is why everyone now believes it is fake.)
In a way, ED looks a lot like alchemy, doesn't it? Transmutation! This is another connection... another place of the pattern repeating. As a person with an eating disorder, you are trying to turn the "heavy lead" that is your body into "pure gold". So... you have to think like an alchemist!
The first step is to ask yourself... why do you want this? Do you want the physical gold, or, what you want is really the spiritual gain, to be pure in spirit, pure inside, to be not concerned about your flesh, but, feeling peace? If you are a real alchemist and not a "puffer", then, what you really want is the second one. And, I believe that is what people with ED really want. We don't want to be just "thin". Any person with ED will tell you, that's shallow. We want to be pure.
So, deciding that you wish to be spiritually pure, begin on your way... with balance and the right attitude. Take the focus away from trying to FORCE being pure, sitting all day working the bellows. The "puffer" doesn't get any results... you can be so thin, but, you don't feel pure. You want to keep going and going, because, it's not changing. If it was working, then, you could stop... but, you never stop. You don't want to stop, because, you're not pure yet. But, if that way works, then, at some time, the lead will really turning into gold, right? At some time, you can stop, right? Because, you became pure. But, it doesn't work... it is just sitting and puffing the bellows for ever... you see some changes that LOOKS like it might be gold, but, really, there's no change.
If you want a real change and pure feeling... then... use the symbol, and, do it in a spiritual way. Fasting and discipline is good as a symbol for being pure. But... you don't have to use it too much. What if... this is an example... you eat in a normal way mostly, but, every night, you have a little fast, drink some water and a lemon juice only until the morning, and, use that time to be spiritual. Use that time to read some spiritual books and focus on, what is being pure. You can meditate, or talk to your god/gods... or, do a ritual... sacrifice some food on an altar. But, always, always, looking for the idea of being SPIRITUALLY pure, and, how to do it. Not just "ana thoughts" like, "pure means starving, pure means being empty of food". But, look in spiritual traditions to see what being pure REALLY means in a deep way.
For example... a practice of non-violence... never saying cruel things to other people... hold your tongue when someone attacks you (of course, not holding it away from the authorities if someone hurts you, but, if someone is just saying mean things, ignore THEM and tell a safe person if you are hurt)... practicing being peaceful and calm in the middle of stress... look at everything in the world and realise, it is a living thing... learn the good things about things that you normally hate. This is just some examples. A lot of people with ED are vegan or vegetarian, because it cuts calories, so, look at the REAL reason to be vegan or vegetarian, not just for starving, but, look at animal rights, environment things, find small ways to help the planet.
If you are too depressed because of the huge problems in this world, and, you think you can't fix it all, then, please think about this quote, from the Talmud:
Which means... just because you can't do everything... doesn't mean, do nothing... but, don't worry what you do is not enough. It is ALWAYS better than nothing.
Remember also, about being spiritually pure, the point is NOT attacking yourself if you are not pure enough. Please don't get into a bad version of a religion that tells you that you're horrible, sick and wrong if you are not always pure... and, if your religion starts to feel like this, please, look for a group or a set of this belief that does not do that, because, it always exists. If you are Christian, look for a better church, if you are pagan, look for a different pagan path, or, circle, etc.... don't stand for abuse. If you have been in this spiritual abuse already, I'm really sorry, and, please don't think we are all like that. And remember, pure is a lifetime journey, there will be many fall backs and it's normal, have compassion with your self, remember being pure is MORE important than sitting in your own blame, and, keep going gently.
An alchemy book is a good start if you are not sure how to begin, with looking for a philosophy. Alchemy is ALL ABOUT being pure. The POINT of alchemy is to be spiritually pure. And, it has some great things you can do that will make you spiritually pure inside, and, also, make you healthy. For example, in alchemy, you can begin to learn how to make a plant or mineral elixir, and, you can drink this to become more healthy. It will also heal you spiritually too, if you make it with your own hands and truly do it in a balanced way... it will heal you the process of making it, and, the process of drinking it. (And, it doesn't have hardly any calories ;)
If you are looking for a book to begin, I recommend the one I always recommend to people... it's easy to understand, but, it is deep at the same time, and it can begin you getting where you want to go. I don't recommend just buying any alchemy book, because, I have a LOT and I can tell you, for the beginning person most of them are impossible. (Want to see an example? See if you understand any of these!) They are books to read when you understand it in an advanced way. And, most of the other ones that are not impossible are "watered down", not any real disciplined ideas, just, things that sound nice. But, this one is actually a balance.
(Nooo, I don't get credits on the sale of this book, or, any book on this journal... though, I should ;)
So... I think... that is one REAL ALTERNATIVE. Of course, there are other spiritual paths too, I'm Hermetic so this is what I know, but, find the one you like. Here's some examples, these are just a few....
* I think Buddhism also has some focus on being pure.... if you think it works for you, try that.
* If you really want to get out of your body, then, try this book or any book about out of body experiences, that will give you an experience of leaving behind all heavy flesh, and, you can do it in thirty days with practice and focus. How much time you committed to ED... more than thirty days, right? You can commit this much to an experience of REALLY losing all your flesh! Go for it!
* Yoga is a spiritual thing with some gentle exercise, you can gently make your body more flexible and also find a deep meditation and free feeling at the same time.
* There are some good pagan paths, but, make sure you don't do something that lets you drift around... to be pure you need to FOCUS AND COMMIT! That is one thing ED has right... it is about discipline. Discipline is important to be pure in any way. But, there are more deep spiritual ways of discipline, and, discipline doesn't need to be abusing yourself.
Surely, you can use some fasting and restrictions as a part of it, if that really is comfortable to your mind. But... thinking that getting thinner and thinner forever will make you pure in the end... well... where is "the end"? So, it seems that we need another way. Getting thinner is not the goal. Being pure inside is the goal... and... it needs to be measured, not using numbers, but, looking at the real spiritual change in you. That's harder to measure on a scale, but, anything is worth it to really be pure, right? That is what's always said? So... if we really believe that... let's try this.
If you wonder, why it is not so easy for me, even though I have this philosophy... well... it is a struggle. It's easy to lose your way. If you are really going on a path to being pure and seeking perfection, it's going to be hard. You may lose your way many times. I know, I already lost my light one time. But... you know to always get back up and keep going... right? You have done it so many times when you are past a point of having any strength. Having that determination... this is a way to use it that works.
Because I am a very spiritual person (I am Hermetic), this is against my traditions, and, it is against the hearts and minds of many people with ED who really feel from an early age... that they want to be pure. I think, this is a responding to something deep in the soul and should not be ignored! Pretending that "you don't really want to be pure" is a way to fail in recovery... trying to ignore what your heart and mind is really saying. And, it can feel bad when people say to you, "you need to be normal" when you feel you are anything BUT normal. When they say, "you need to take away this thing that helps you cope", when you have no other thing to look at to cope.
You don't have to give up being pure if you want to recover. In fact... if you recover... you can probably have more energy to put into a life that will really make you pure. ED feels like it makes you pure, but, there is a better way to do it I think. It's like, alcohol feels like it makes you happy, but, it doesn't really.
And, you don't have to take away your only thing for coping... instead of just quitting and going into the naked world all alone... you can move to a different way of coping, slow enough that you never feel you lose anything. It's like rolling from one pillow to the other, instead of, rolling off a bed and falling on the floor. You can have supports under you, all the way.
So, these are my ideas, for a different way of looking at recovery.
I believe that in some way, an eating disorder is a desire for spiritual perfection. It seems very obvious when you look at some things people with ED write... we are always talking about... being pure, being cleansed, being perfect. Stripping the body of everything that is ugly, heavy, clumsy... in other words... getting rid of "the weight of the world". At the heart of it, ED comes from the fear and hate of physical flesh, and, the physical world.
Often, these dreams appear in other ways in healthy people. Think about the dream of flying like a bird, that is in so many cultures and myths since recorded history. The love for flying is based in the universal desire to leave the ground, to leave weight, to break free of all heavy, weighting restrictions... to be so light, floating in the sky. Doesn't everyone look at birds, and feel jealous or in pain, or, they feel awe and happy, and want to write a poem, or a story....
That is the first thing to understand here, and, I don't know if anyone ever said it in such a direct way before: these two things that have a strong grip on people's hearts and minds, meaning, eating disorders and the dream of flight, are based in a common pattern. In other words, the reason eating disorders exist... truly... I believe, it is the same reason that people dream of flying. They are linked. Both are based in a desire to ascend and be pure... light... dancing in the air... perfectly happy.
If you want some examples... here are some quotes (warning, this might be extra triggery)... all from The Hanged Man by Francesca Lia Block:
"I feel like Hansel and Gretel. Didn't the witch stuff them in the oven? But I won't eat all that candy Hansel and Gretel ate. I will be thin and pure like a glass cup. Empty. Pure as light. Music. I move my hands over my body- my shoulders, collar bone, my rib cage, my hip bones like part of an animal skull, my small thighs. In the mirror my face is pale and my eyes look bruised. My hair is pale and thin and the light comes through. I could be a lot younger than seventeen, I could be a child still, untouched."
"I think of women with fat clotted at their bellies, thighs, buttocks. Hemorrhaging blood. But I won't tell Claudia. I think of fairies without breasts and they're floating..."
"Have you ever had the sensation of losing flesh? You begin to feel the bones of your skeleton under your flesh. Bones of the shoulders. Bones of the rib cage. Bones of the hips. It is like finding a new being, one free of desire, free of time, almost."
"I hear horror stories about girls who don't eat- how their hair turns white and their gums bleed. But I feel beautiful, perfect. I am all pale bone, and bone-pale flesh and pale hair and I am light. I am like some fairy thing. I dream about fairies dancing around the house with their rib cages showing like baskets under their flesh. I could drift up and away from here. I am so light. Bound by nothing. Not even time. And I am pure now."
See all the talking about fairies, floating, being something new that is not bound by desire or time...
Or, another quote, I don't know where this is from, sorry:
"I want a body with sharp edges" I say after a while, because she won't let me wriggle out of an answer. "Sometimes I am hungry. I'm always hungry. But when I don't eat I feel good. Pure. I feel empty and it's wonderful. I feel so powerful. Like I could fly."
Is it obvious to you now, that these two things are linked? I put some quotes, but, if you are brave of mind and heart, go to any anorexia site, you will see this same idea everywhere you look. One of the biggest sites for this sort of thing is called "Blue Dragonfly"... the image of a dragonfly is used many times in different site names, and, charms or bracelets, as an ED symbol. If you look at any site explaining it, you will see that they use the symbol because the dragonfly is so light, thin... and free to fly, away from the constraining earth.
Of course, we understand symbolism. People with ED live in the mythic realm. ED is also a myth. I mean, that it is a way of looking at the world using magical symbolism, believing, if we do this particular ritual, it will gain something else for us. If we starve our body, then, we get spiritually pure, we get peace. It's very similar to magical principles like you see in any pagan spiritual belief... any of you who are pagan, do magic, think about any ritual. Light a candle, because it is a symbol of the fire of life, to raise energy for life. Use this herb, that is a symbol of this thing, to bring the energy of this thing into your work... it's obvious ritual work. Some people even do bring out this idea a little, and, pray to a goddess "Ana" or "Mia".
So, knowing that, I want to say that... what you want is right. You want to fly... you want to be pure. You want to be a spiritual being. That is the real desire, and, it's not bad. It is a good thing, in fact, it means you are spiritually connected, because you want this. Don't let anyone tell you you can't be pure! It is a beautiful dream.
But, ED is a twisted up version of spirituality. Twisted up, because, it doesn't really do what it tells you it will do.
You might think... why it doesn't work? ED after all, is following the pattern of ritual, so, if a ritual works then ED must work. I believe in magic, so, I believe ritual works. But, of course, ritual doesn't always work, by just following the steps. It needs particular things to be put in place.
Here is another place to look at where ED and spirituality meet... think about monks. A monk lives a lifestyle called, "ascetic". Ascetic lifestyle is about, restricting yourself in many ways, so that you become more spiritual. People living in an ascetic way restrict things like, the way they dress, the way they speak or how much they speak, what they will do at what time of day, and, eating.
People who live ascetic lifestyle say that it helps them be more spiritual. I can give personal evidence for this actually. Before I had anorexia, as part of my normal spiritual life from a younger age I sometimes did fasts. This was a spiritual thing though, not a problem. And, it did raise my spiritual energy. So, what is the difference?
The difference is two things. Balance, and, the direction of attitude.
About balance: Ascetic people use fasts and restrictions as a symbol. Doing it in some moderation will give an effect. It's just enough to remind you of the spiritual path you are on. ED is out of balance. The comparison in magic would be, someone who does a ritual using "a little bit of this herb, a little bit of that herb, and, light it...", does it every night in a discipline way, but, lets that little ritual every night remind them... or, someone who thinks that the best way to do the ritual is to pour ten pounds of herb onto your altar, and set it all on fire, and burn the altar down! Anyone who does magic knows, you don't NEED to do that to make the magic work. The symbol is enough.
About direction of attitude: This is the thing that lies under it all. People with ED use ten pounds of herb because they think that, in the end, the magic works in a direct physical way. For example, if you want to do something in the physical world, more is better usually, right? If you want to cut an object, the sharper your knife, and, the more pressure you can put, the better. If you want to stock food for a hard time, the more you have, the more safe you are. If you want to have success at your job, put in lots of effort.
So, of course, they think, "this is working on a physical rule". The purity is DIRECTLY connected to how much you eat, how thin you are. Or, another way of looking, how thin you are IS how pure you are. The number on your scale IS a number about your purity. Talk about weighting your heart against a feather! In this belief, you can have a real number that shows how pure you are! Most religion doesn't have any comparison to this... forget about whether you are "a sinner" or "saved", now you can have a number that tells you, on an exact measurement, exactly how "saved" or "perfect" you are! How exciting.
The problem is, that's not how spiritual things work. You can't do a thing in the physical world and expect it to fix spiritual things directly. Spiritual purity is not a law of physics... you can't "get more spiritual points" by working some physical mechanical thing, like a game. There is not a secret structure in the physical world that makes you more spiritual the more you use it. It doesn't work like that.
There isn't a way that is ONLY physical, to make yourself SPIRITUALLY pure. Spiritual is SPIRITUAL. Yes, there is a cause and effect between the spiritual and physical worlds, but... it is not so direct. It's not like a computer... push a button, get a return.
So, the person with ED puts 100% of their energy for "making them pure" into a physical effort, thinking, when the physical is fixed, the spiritual will be fixed. But, that can't ever work. A really good example of how it can't work... is alchemy.
When everyone thinks of alchemy, they think, "turning lead into gold". So, they think of a way to turn lead into gold based only on laws of physics. Of course, this doesn't work, because, the laws of physics don't have that power. This is why people think alchemists were foolish... but, alchemy is not really about that. Alchemy is about changing things using some physical method, but, the core of it is spiritual. Every step of the way, your physical work must be a symbol of the spiritual work you are doing, and, it CANNOT be forced. You don't sit and try to bend the laws of physics by pure force to make the lead into gold.
In Hermetic tradition of alchemy, we have a name for those people... they are called, "puffers". A "puffer" is someone who sits by the fire all day puffing their bellows, trying to get the fire higher, because they think that more physical effort will make the gold happen faster. They forget the spiritual part completely. They just want to make gold, and get rich. But, it fails. You need to make yourself pure in a spiritual, or, you can't do any work like this, because, the laws of physics don't work like that. Do you think a person who is not pure in the spiritual can make gold with their own hands? No! It is a reflecting of the spiritual state. A few people in the long history of the world have done this, such as Nicolas Flamel (you can look him up on the internet). But, it's rare, because people believe they can do things only with their hands, ignoring the spiritual part.
The true alchemists think, "puffers" are a problem. They soil the reputation of alchemy, not just because they are trying to get greed, but, because their ways don't work... which creates and destroys a false hope in people, and, leaves them spiritually broken. (In the end, "puffers" really did destroy the reputation of alchemy, which is why everyone now believes it is fake.)
In a way, ED looks a lot like alchemy, doesn't it? Transmutation! This is another connection... another place of the pattern repeating. As a person with an eating disorder, you are trying to turn the "heavy lead" that is your body into "pure gold". So... you have to think like an alchemist!
The first step is to ask yourself... why do you want this? Do you want the physical gold, or, what you want is really the spiritual gain, to be pure in spirit, pure inside, to be not concerned about your flesh, but, feeling peace? If you are a real alchemist and not a "puffer", then, what you really want is the second one. And, I believe that is what people with ED really want. We don't want to be just "thin". Any person with ED will tell you, that's shallow. We want to be pure.
So, deciding that you wish to be spiritually pure, begin on your way... with balance and the right attitude. Take the focus away from trying to FORCE being pure, sitting all day working the bellows. The "puffer" doesn't get any results... you can be so thin, but, you don't feel pure. You want to keep going and going, because, it's not changing. If it was working, then, you could stop... but, you never stop. You don't want to stop, because, you're not pure yet. But, if that way works, then, at some time, the lead will really turning into gold, right? At some time, you can stop, right? Because, you became pure. But, it doesn't work... it is just sitting and puffing the bellows for ever... you see some changes that LOOKS like it might be gold, but, really, there's no change.
If you want a real change and pure feeling... then... use the symbol, and, do it in a spiritual way. Fasting and discipline is good as a symbol for being pure. But... you don't have to use it too much. What if... this is an example... you eat in a normal way mostly, but, every night, you have a little fast, drink some water and a lemon juice only until the morning, and, use that time to be spiritual. Use that time to read some spiritual books and focus on, what is being pure. You can meditate, or talk to your god/gods... or, do a ritual... sacrifice some food on an altar. But, always, always, looking for the idea of being SPIRITUALLY pure, and, how to do it. Not just "ana thoughts" like, "pure means starving, pure means being empty of food". But, look in spiritual traditions to see what being pure REALLY means in a deep way.
For example... a practice of non-violence... never saying cruel things to other people... hold your tongue when someone attacks you (of course, not holding it away from the authorities if someone hurts you, but, if someone is just saying mean things, ignore THEM and tell a safe person if you are hurt)... practicing being peaceful and calm in the middle of stress... look at everything in the world and realise, it is a living thing... learn the good things about things that you normally hate. This is just some examples. A lot of people with ED are vegan or vegetarian, because it cuts calories, so, look at the REAL reason to be vegan or vegetarian, not just for starving, but, look at animal rights, environment things, find small ways to help the planet.
If you are too depressed because of the huge problems in this world, and, you think you can't fix it all, then, please think about this quote, from the Talmud:
Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the
work, but neither are you free to abandon it.
Which means... just because you can't do everything... doesn't mean, do nothing... but, don't worry what you do is not enough. It is ALWAYS better than nothing.
Remember also, about being spiritually pure, the point is NOT attacking yourself if you are not pure enough. Please don't get into a bad version of a religion that tells you that you're horrible, sick and wrong if you are not always pure... and, if your religion starts to feel like this, please, look for a group or a set of this belief that does not do that, because, it always exists. If you are Christian, look for a better church, if you are pagan, look for a different pagan path, or, circle, etc.... don't stand for abuse. If you have been in this spiritual abuse already, I'm really sorry, and, please don't think we are all like that. And remember, pure is a lifetime journey, there will be many fall backs and it's normal, have compassion with your self, remember being pure is MORE important than sitting in your own blame, and, keep going gently.
An alchemy book is a good start if you are not sure how to begin, with looking for a philosophy. Alchemy is ALL ABOUT being pure. The POINT of alchemy is to be spiritually pure. And, it has some great things you can do that will make you spiritually pure inside, and, also, make you healthy. For example, in alchemy, you can begin to learn how to make a plant or mineral elixir, and, you can drink this to become more healthy. It will also heal you spiritually too, if you make it with your own hands and truly do it in a balanced way... it will heal you the process of making it, and, the process of drinking it. (And, it doesn't have hardly any calories ;)
If you are looking for a book to begin, I recommend the one I always recommend to people... it's easy to understand, but, it is deep at the same time, and it can begin you getting where you want to go. I don't recommend just buying any alchemy book, because, I have a LOT and I can tell you, for the beginning person most of them are impossible. (Want to see an example? See if you understand any of these!) They are books to read when you understand it in an advanced way. And, most of the other ones that are not impossible are "watered down", not any real disciplined ideas, just, things that sound nice. But, this one is actually a balance.
(Nooo, I don't get credits on the sale of this book, or, any book on this journal... though, I should ;)
So... I think... that is one REAL ALTERNATIVE. Of course, there are other spiritual paths too, I'm Hermetic so this is what I know, but, find the one you like. Here's some examples, these are just a few....
* I think Buddhism also has some focus on being pure.... if you think it works for you, try that.
* If you really want to get out of your body, then, try this book or any book about out of body experiences, that will give you an experience of leaving behind all heavy flesh, and, you can do it in thirty days with practice and focus. How much time you committed to ED... more than thirty days, right? You can commit this much to an experience of REALLY losing all your flesh! Go for it!
* Yoga is a spiritual thing with some gentle exercise, you can gently make your body more flexible and also find a deep meditation and free feeling at the same time.
* There are some good pagan paths, but, make sure you don't do something that lets you drift around... to be pure you need to FOCUS AND COMMIT! That is one thing ED has right... it is about discipline. Discipline is important to be pure in any way. But, there are more deep spiritual ways of discipline, and, discipline doesn't need to be abusing yourself.
Surely, you can use some fasting and restrictions as a part of it, if that really is comfortable to your mind. But... thinking that getting thinner and thinner forever will make you pure in the end... well... where is "the end"? So, it seems that we need another way. Getting thinner is not the goal. Being pure inside is the goal... and... it needs to be measured, not using numbers, but, looking at the real spiritual change in you. That's harder to measure on a scale, but, anything is worth it to really be pure, right? That is what's always said? So... if we really believe that... let's try this.
If you wonder, why it is not so easy for me, even though I have this philosophy... well... it is a struggle. It's easy to lose your way. If you are really going on a path to being pure and seeking perfection, it's going to be hard. You may lose your way many times. I know, I already lost my light one time. But... you know to always get back up and keep going... right? You have done it so many times when you are past a point of having any strength. Having that determination... this is a way to use it that works.
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Date: 2011-06-22 10:42 pm (UTC)